There’s supposed to be a new cat video game hitting the market. I know nothing of this. Someone told me the product is about to launch. It got me thinking how much fun it could be to create something like that.
A caution here: if you don’t know much about cats, you might not appreciate the rest of this column. But, that being said, if you have a ribald sense of humor, stay with me.
Picture yourself as the software designer for the game. You get to program it. That’s what I thought when I heard of the cat video game soon to be sold to us purring individuals.
First, I would place myself in the cats’ eyes. I would create the game with that in mind – what cats do to puzzle, frustrate and amaze humans. The goal is to offer cats options so humans shake their heads wondering what the heck the cat was thinking.
With that in mind, step two means envisioning all the goofy things cats do. Let’s say you’re about to take a nap. This is one of the options you build into the cat video game. You give that cat options. 1) They can jump on the counter and meow for food. 2) They can go to the box you just got from Amazon and cuddle inside. 3) They can wait until you are settled, then meander over, jump on top of your groin and begin kneading that area of your body until they are comfortable and settle in as you go lights out. Cat lovers know which option to select, but you can have fun misdirecting the humans with your choice.
Another program is “deciding how to make the human fall down the stairs.” In this part of the software program, you want to implement choices on how to rub the human to make them lose their balance right at the top of the stairwell. Would they choose to rub against your right leg as you stepped towards the stairs? Perhaps they decide to play with both your feet. Or, claw your socks. Whatever they choose, the goal is to make the human lose their balance at the top of the stairs, falter, then tumble. The cats laugh to themselves afterwards. “Got them again.”
Clawing the screen door is another path in the program. Once the human sits down to breakfast with the newspaper and a cup of coffee, the cat gets the choice to stay outside or go to the screen door to disrupt a quiet morning and make the human rise to do its bidding. The options here are the choice of which screen door the cat chooses to use. Does it come to the one closest to where the human is settled or does the cat meow from the far away bedroom door to make you walk the longest distance? Only the cat knows for sure.
Finally, you have the “bring the dead animal home and dump on the floor to be thanked by the human for the kill.” This option in the program allows you to select what animal to decapacitate (squirrel, bird, mouse, chipmunk) and where to place it for the best WOW effect on the human. These include the kitchen floor, your bedroom slippers, on the pillow of our bed, under your chair at the breakfast table. You can come up with your own options to add here.
As the cat player (you envisioning yourself as the cat in the video game taunting humans), you get to experience the cat mind, its motivations and desires. It’s a dangerous thing. The winner scores the most points by selecting illogical paths and the ones designed to best frustrate humans. Good luck, and now go turn on the kitchen sink faucet so they can lap the water (or the bathroom sink or the bathtub faucet; you’ll have options).
A caution here: if you don’t know much about cats, you might not appreciate the rest of this column. But, that being said, if you have a ribald sense of humor, stay with me.
Picture yourself as the software designer for the game. You get to program it. That’s what I thought when I heard of the cat video game soon to be sold to us purring individuals.
First, I would place myself in the cats’ eyes. I would create the game with that in mind – what cats do to puzzle, frustrate and amaze humans. The goal is to offer cats options so humans shake their heads wondering what the heck the cat was thinking.
With that in mind, step two means envisioning all the goofy things cats do. Let’s say you’re about to take a nap. This is one of the options you build into the cat video game. You give that cat options. 1) They can jump on the counter and meow for food. 2) They can go to the box you just got from Amazon and cuddle inside. 3) They can wait until you are settled, then meander over, jump on top of your groin and begin kneading that area of your body until they are comfortable and settle in as you go lights out. Cat lovers know which option to select, but you can have fun misdirecting the humans with your choice.
Another program is “deciding how to make the human fall down the stairs.” In this part of the software program, you want to implement choices on how to rub the human to make them lose their balance right at the top of the stairwell. Would they choose to rub against your right leg as you stepped towards the stairs? Perhaps they decide to play with both your feet. Or, claw your socks. Whatever they choose, the goal is to make the human lose their balance at the top of the stairs, falter, then tumble. The cats laugh to themselves afterwards. “Got them again.”
Clawing the screen door is another path in the program. Once the human sits down to breakfast with the newspaper and a cup of coffee, the cat gets the choice to stay outside or go to the screen door to disrupt a quiet morning and make the human rise to do its bidding. The options here are the choice of which screen door the cat chooses to use. Does it come to the one closest to where the human is settled or does the cat meow from the far away bedroom door to make you walk the longest distance? Only the cat knows for sure.
Finally, you have the “bring the dead animal home and dump on the floor to be thanked by the human for the kill.” This option in the program allows you to select what animal to decapacitate (squirrel, bird, mouse, chipmunk) and where to place it for the best WOW effect on the human. These include the kitchen floor, your bedroom slippers, on the pillow of our bed, under your chair at the breakfast table. You can come up with your own options to add here.
As the cat player (you envisioning yourself as the cat in the video game taunting humans), you get to experience the cat mind, its motivations and desires. It’s a dangerous thing. The winner scores the most points by selecting illogical paths and the ones designed to best frustrate humans. Good luck, and now go turn on the kitchen sink faucet so they can lap the water (or the bathroom sink or the bathtub faucet; you’ll have options).