Blog Archives

Siamese Twins Walk Into A Bar

1/27/2013

Siamese twins walk into a bar in Canada and park themselves on a bar stool.

One of them says to the bartender, "Don't mind us; we're joined
at the hip. I'm John, he's Jim. Two Molson Canadian beers, draft please."

The bartender, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite conversation
while pouring the beers. "Been on holiday yet, lads?"

"Off to England next month," says John. "We go to England every year, rent
a car and drive for miles. Don't we, Jim?" Jim agrees.

"Ah, England !" says the bartender. "Wonderful country... the
history, the beer, the culture..."

"Nah, we don't like that British crap," says John. "Hamburgers
and Molson's beer, that's us, eh Jim? And we can't stand the English - they're
so arrogant and rude."

"So why keep going to England ?" asks the bartender.

"It's the only chance Jim gets to drive."

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Dog For Sale

1/19/2013

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A guy is driving around the back woods
of Montana and he sees a sign in front of
a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog
For Sale 'He rings the bell and the owner appears
and tells him the dog is in
the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees
a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yep," the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of
hearing a dog talk, he says
"So, what's your story?"

The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered
that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the
government, so I told the CIA.

In no time at all they had me jetting from country to
country, sitting in rooms with spies
and world leaders, because no one
figured a dog would be eavesdropping."

"I was one of their most valuable spies
for eight years running...

But the jetting around really tired me out, and I
knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a
job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious
characters and listening in.

I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals."

"I got married, had a mess
of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back
in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

"Ten dollars,' the guy says.

'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him
so cheap?"

"Because he's full of crap. He's never been out of the
yard."

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The Golfer's Dilemma

1/13/2013

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Final Word on Nutrition and Health

1/5/2013

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For those of you who watch what you eat, here's
the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after
all those conflicting nutritional studies:

1. The Japanese eat very
little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks
than Americans.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer
heart attacks than Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat
lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like.Speaking English is
apparently what kills you.

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