Why is accepting praise so hard? I think if you went around asking people how they respond when someone gives them positive, constructive, timely and specific feedback, most would say, “It embarrasses me.” Or, “I don’t know what to say.”
That’s odd given how many employees in today’s workforce feel un- or under-appreciated in their jobs. Multiply that by the number of other areas where you don’t get supportive feedback (a coach from a sports team, something in your personal life or even from friends), and you would think there’d be a craving for kind words.
I started studying this phenomenon on a professional level about 15 years ago. Working in Nebraska at the time, we were going through a business culture change and a lot of literature on positive reinforcement came across my desk. I read it all and started to apply it.
One of the things that stood out then, and to this day still stands out to me, is that for positive feedback to be useful to the recipient of the praise, you have to be specific and timely. It’s not okay to say, “Great job.”
What happens when someone says that to you? Sure, there is a quick, “That’s nice” thought in your head. But then you speculate, “What did I do a great job on? What is he talking about? “
You actually have no idea what the person referred to (though you could probably make an educated guess) because all he said was, “Great job.” You may think your ongoing application of new engineering principles on a steam pipe at the coal-fired power plant was what he referred to. But what if it was the presentation you gave on safety procedures dealing with loading and unloading rail cars? You have no idea.
For the most part, when you are on the receiving end of generic praise like this, you smile nod, and get a slight happy feeling before it rapidly fades away. In contrast, you know exactly what you did well when someone says, “You know, Doris, that document you put together on our security practices is well-researched and makes several relevant points that will help us improve our operations. Way to go.”
If Doris receives this feedback the day after she sends the document to her boss (or soon thereafter), the criteria for timely and specific feedback are met, and Doris will likely feel great about her contributions. That will make her feel like a more integral part of the larger enterprise.
Do this regularly and effectively, and you get buy-in from employees and coworkers. Apply it in non-work-related situations and you build long-lasting friendships. People feel good.
So why don’t we do this more often? I’m not arguing that no one does this. But in a consistent manner, few of us follow these simple practices.
For some reason, it is far easier to criticize, vent or just accept things the way they are. Since not much has changed at the company the past three years, “Why make the effort to do something better?” We don’t praise because “that’s the way things are supposed to be.”
When even the most minor thing goes wrong, we criticize it, because we expect things to go right. It’s possible we struggle accepting praise because of this: 1) When things go right, we perceive they should go right and don’t deserve praise; and 2) our natural inclination is to criticize, so most of the time we don’t believe praise is justified.
I’m going to keep on verbally supporting people when I see them do good things. If we raise the next generation this way, maybe we won’t be overly critical when things go wrong, and happier when things go right. Go for it.
That’s odd given how many employees in today’s workforce feel un- or under-appreciated in their jobs. Multiply that by the number of other areas where you don’t get supportive feedback (a coach from a sports team, something in your personal life or even from friends), and you would think there’d be a craving for kind words.
I started studying this phenomenon on a professional level about 15 years ago. Working in Nebraska at the time, we were going through a business culture change and a lot of literature on positive reinforcement came across my desk. I read it all and started to apply it.
One of the things that stood out then, and to this day still stands out to me, is that for positive feedback to be useful to the recipient of the praise, you have to be specific and timely. It’s not okay to say, “Great job.”
What happens when someone says that to you? Sure, there is a quick, “That’s nice” thought in your head. But then you speculate, “What did I do a great job on? What is he talking about? “
You actually have no idea what the person referred to (though you could probably make an educated guess) because all he said was, “Great job.” You may think your ongoing application of new engineering principles on a steam pipe at the coal-fired power plant was what he referred to. But what if it was the presentation you gave on safety procedures dealing with loading and unloading rail cars? You have no idea.
For the most part, when you are on the receiving end of generic praise like this, you smile nod, and get a slight happy feeling before it rapidly fades away. In contrast, you know exactly what you did well when someone says, “You know, Doris, that document you put together on our security practices is well-researched and makes several relevant points that will help us improve our operations. Way to go.”
If Doris receives this feedback the day after she sends the document to her boss (or soon thereafter), the criteria for timely and specific feedback are met, and Doris will likely feel great about her contributions. That will make her feel like a more integral part of the larger enterprise.
Do this regularly and effectively, and you get buy-in from employees and coworkers. Apply it in non-work-related situations and you build long-lasting friendships. People feel good.
So why don’t we do this more often? I’m not arguing that no one does this. But in a consistent manner, few of us follow these simple practices.
For some reason, it is far easier to criticize, vent or just accept things the way they are. Since not much has changed at the company the past three years, “Why make the effort to do something better?” We don’t praise because “that’s the way things are supposed to be.”
When even the most minor thing goes wrong, we criticize it, because we expect things to go right. It’s possible we struggle accepting praise because of this: 1) When things go right, we perceive they should go right and don’t deserve praise; and 2) our natural inclination is to criticize, so most of the time we don’t believe praise is justified.
I’m going to keep on verbally supporting people when I see them do good things. If we raise the next generation this way, maybe we won’t be overly critical when things go wrong, and happier when things go right. Go for it.