​Over the years, I’ve become increasingly incensed with the TOTALLY UNREASTIC NATURE of ads on TV. Since my wife and I record most shows we watch, we avoid the ads for the most part by fast-forwarding through them. Recently, we watched a few shows “live,” and were appalled (and sometimes fascinated) with the totally unrealistic picture of real life depicted. Most are so laughably ridiculous in terms of believability, that it would be hard to understand anyone taking them seriously.
 
That being said, over the past few weeks, I’ve returned to a brief addiction to mint Oreo cookies. Putting them in the freezer, then sitting down to watch Jeopardy and polishing off a row (with my wife’s help) tastes great and gets my mind whizzing along to answer the questions incorrectly before the contestants do.
 
This got me into the mindset of a great ad for Nabisco. Take the aging couple and show them demolishing the Oreos while watching Jeopardy. Bear with me.
 
You start this ad with a full acknowledgment from the two individuals that they know Oreos are bad for them. At the same time, you have them state, “Despite those health concerns, we still like to occasionally indulge.” Show them both inhaling a cookie in the video.
 
Next, have one of them go to the freezer. “And you know what, if you haven’t tried freezing your Oreos, you haven’t lived.” Open the freezer, shoot the package of Oreos, pull them up, hold them out to the camera. Smile hugely.
 
“Over the years I had an addiction to Oreos. I broke that addiction, but sometimes for nostalgia’s sake, and out of sheer boredom with other dessert options, we allow Oreos back in the house,” you say to the camera.
 
My wife and I are reasonably healthy for our age, eat right for the most part. We like sweets. Chocolate is a good thing.
 
Next in the commercial, you’d want to get into that background. Have the couple discuss their desire to stay healthy, but not lose sight of those little joys in life, including frozen mint Oreos.
 
“Once we finish our dinner, we like to top it off with dessert. Most of the year, we don’t touch the Oreos, but once in a great while, they jump out at us in the cookie aisle, demanding to be purchased.” Show couple meandering down the cookie aisle and gazing with desire at the Oreo section, watch them lock eye contact symbolizing agreement on the purchase, then they wrest the package from the shelf and toss it into the cart, before sprinting to the checkout.
 
Now, this is where other ads would get totally unrealistic, having the package of Oreos sail into the cart like magic. Not our ad. Instead, we’d show two people sprinting with a cart in a supermarket to checkout, get home and chow down. Now, that’s realistic.
 
In all seriousness though, why don’t companies take real life scenarios from people who use their products and talk openly in front of the camera? Don’t coach them. Don’t use actors. Let them say why they can’t stay away from mint Oreos.
 
I’d watch that type of commercial. I’d be more likely to purchase the product. It will never happen though because companies would rather spin a fantasy world.
 
Anyone have a contact at Nabisco?

​I’ve decided to make friends with a chicken. There’s those jokes about “why did the chicken cross the road,” all of which are meant to get into the chicken’s personality, which we know nothing about.
 
If you can become friends with a chicken though, maybe you can figure out why they do what they do. This thought came to me because we are surrounded by neighbors who have chickens. They cackle, peck, forage and cockle-doodle-doo throughout the day.
 
They disrupt the pine needles up our driveway to find morsels. They cross the driveway (why?), and amazingly, seem to want to become friends. I’ve decided to follow up with one of them.
 
She has golden feathers, smooth, almost brownish. She greets me as I go up to get the mail. She comes close, wondering, I think, if I have some type of food she’ll finding inviting. She has not crossed the threshold to let me pet her yet.
 
Several months back, I began mulching pine seedlings we’d planted near the chickens’ home. That’s when our friendship began.
 
The brood (probably 7-8 in total) decided the wood chips were tasty. I don’t know why (I asked them, but none of the chickens answered). They kept at it, pecking away with their beaks until they had dispersed every bit of wood chips I’d shoveled around the seedlings to help with their growth.

The chickens knocking the wood chips around didn’t irritate me as much as make me wonder what they were thinking. During this time, I determined this group (two of our other neighbors also have chickens wandering the local turf) was more friendly. They would waddle closer to me. They’d eye my hand if I put it out, like an offering of food. They’d rotate their heads the way you see chickens do, like they were asking a question and wondering if the human had an answer.
 
I talk to most animals. I figure maybe they understand, maybe they don’t, maybe you can open lines of communication. The golden-brown one seemed the best logistical friend as she cocked her head when I spoke, came closer and closer.  When I reached down to pet her, she danced away.

This continued for several weeks. I played hard to get, and she came closer, prancing out of a small strand of woods to follow my voice and let me know of her presence. She listened to me coaxing her forward, but when bending over to reach out, she’d again dart away, her head doing the chicken-jerk motion.
 
I told myself I was going to make friends with the chicken. I told my wife I was going to make friends with the chicken. I still believe I’m going to make friends with this chicken. Something will cause a breakthrough.
 
I’m not sure what that will be. I might have to entice her with food. That is the best bet.
 
I could go online and see what Ms. Google has to say: “How do you make friends with a chicken?” I feel that would be cheating.
 
 
I want to figure this out the old-timer way – using intuition, learning through failure, trying different techniques until something works.
 
I plan to keep after this. One day, the chicken will say, “yes, I want to be friends.” That will be the day she decides to cross the road.

​For some odd reason, humans seem to think they’re smarter than other species. I’m not so sure.
 
Take the human vs. bee battle. Who usually wins that one? Not the human.
 
We scream wildly when attacked by bees, sprinting out of bushes or woods to attempt to find safe territory, swinging our arms like a crazy species. Then we get stung, maybe once, maybe seven times, and have swollen, painful, itchy parts of our bodies for days. Nope, I’m not so sure. The bees have something over us.

Recently in the Human vs. Bee battle, the alpha male human was mowing down buckthorn in the woods behind his house. Using technology to hum and destroy, the invasive species fell like whiskers dropped by a sharp razor. The human felt good. The bees waited in their lair.

When the time is right, the bees attack. Sting once, sting twice, repel the human. The human slaps his arm, swipes at his back, retreats to safety.
 
The human regroups. Rethinks his strategy. Still feels he is smarter than the bee, that he can get the best of the insect. The bee smiles to himself.

As the human wades in, using his superior brain to continue chopping down buckthorn in the exact same location where the bee just attacked him, he heads confidently deeper into bee territory. The ground bee attacks again, stinging the human twice, who slaps feebly back, trotting out of the area as the bee dive-bombs repeatedly. Finally, the human is far enough away for the bee to retreat.
 
The seemingly intelligent human walks back into the buckthorn to further destroy the invasive species. “That’s enough,” the bees say, “you are stupid.” They attack instantaneously. The human backs off, deciding he has sweated enough for one day as a reason to head home and take a shower, put lotion on the bee stings. Day One Tally: Bee scores twice with stings.
 
A couple of days later, the higher-evolved-species human returns, figuring maybe the bee got lucky, threw a couple of strikes at the human, but has now moved on to a different location. The human fires up the weed whacker, trudges into the thicket. Two, three smaller bushes fall to the blade before the alpha bee re-emerges in full attack stinging mode. He pursues the human relentlessly until he scores again. Tally Day Two: One sting for the bees.
 
A few days later finds the supposedly alpha human recalibrating his intelligence and choosing to move elsewhere to continue his mission of buckthorn destruction. Drawn to the same location for some inexplicable reason, he trudges down the hill, thinking, “Humans are smarter than bees.”
 
He mows the buckthorn savagely, bushes toppling in rapid clumps. He achieves a solid rhythm.
 
It takes a few minutes, but the alpha ground bee targets the human, puncturing him twice rapidly in the left bicep, once on the right wrist and once on the upper part of the back. The human seems to learn a lesson and rather than jogging out, he sprints to safety 40 yards away. The bee scores again. Tally: Bee scores knockout victory with four stings. Human leaves, choosing to move on.
 
The human should, can and does learn. That is one thing on his side. By failing and flailing, he learns (if he is to accept a mantle that he has a certain degree of intelligence). Do better next time. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing repeatedly and expecting a different result. Try not to go insane. It’s a worthy goal.

There’s supposed to be a new cat video game hitting the market. I know nothing of this. Someone told me the product is about to launch. It got me thinking how much fun it could be to create something like that.
 
A caution here: if you don’t know much about cats, you might not appreciate the rest of this column. But, that being said, if you have a ribald sense of humor, stay with me.
 
Picture yourself as the software designer for the game. You get to program it. That’s what I thought when I heard of the cat video game soon to be sold to us purring individuals.
 
First, I would place myself in the cats’ eyes. I would create the game with that in mind – what cats do to puzzle, frustrate and amaze humans. The goal is to offer cats options so humans shake their heads wondering what the heck the cat was thinking.

With that in mind, step two means envisioning all the goofy things cats do. Let’s say you’re about to take a nap. This is one of the options you build into the cat video game. You give that cat options. 1) They can jump on the counter and meow for food. 2) They can go to the box you just got from Amazon and cuddle inside. 3) They can wait until you are settled, then meander over, jump on top of your groin and begin kneading that area of your body until they are comfortable and settle in as you go lights out. Cat lovers know which option to select, but you can have fun misdirecting the humans with your choice.
 
Another program is “deciding how to make the human fall down the stairs.” In this part of the software program, you want to implement choices on how to rub the human to make them lose their balance right at the top of the stairwell. Would they choose to rub against your right leg as you stepped towards the stairs? Perhaps they decide to play with both your feet. Or, claw your socks. Whatever they choose, the goal is to make the human lose their balance at the top of the stairs, falter, then tumble. The cats laugh to themselves afterwards. “Got them again.”
 
Clawing the screen door is another path in the program. Once the human sits down to breakfast with the newspaper and a cup of coffee, the cat gets the choice to stay outside or go to the screen door to disrupt a quiet morning and make the human rise to do its bidding. The options here are the choice of which screen door the cat chooses to use. Does it come to the one closest to where the human is settled or does the cat meow from the far away bedroom door to make you walk the longest distance? Only the cat knows for sure.
 
Finally, you have the “bring the dead animal home and dump on the floor to be thanked by the human for the kill.” This option in the program allows you to select what animal to decapacitate (squirrel, bird, mouse, chipmunk) and where to place it for the best WOW effect on the human. These include the kitchen floor, your bedroom slippers, on the pillow of our bed, under your chair at the breakfast table. You can come up with your own options to add here.
 
As the cat player (you envisioning yourself as the cat in the video game taunting humans), you get to experience the cat mind, its motivations and desires. It’s a dangerous thing. The winner scores the most points by selecting illogical paths and the ones designed to best frustrate humans. Good luck, and now go turn on the kitchen sink faucet so they can lap the water (or the bathroom sink or the bathtub faucet; you’ll have options).